type & delete

...how many times do I start typing a post...then delete? How many times have I hit 'tap tap tap' on that delete button? How many drafts do I have sitting in my post box? Have I been gone too long, does this place seem unfamiliar? Or am I really just afraid of being honest?
Sometimes my mind feels like a high speed train on crack. So it's extra super fast-fast. Ideas float in and out and before I have a chance to grasp and process I hear a bowl of cheerios scatter across the floor. Grab a broom and go go go. I want to get back to that grasp & process part but I barely have a moment. Where is the dang "Selah" button when you need it!

Then he sleeps. Here's my moment. Brain kicks back into full gear. I think 'oh crap oh crap oh craaaapppp. Another baby. In three months. How will I handle it? How can I do this again? Will I survive it? The first go around was me surviving tooth and nail till the 7th month mark and even after that I still cried a lot. What is going to happen this time??'

The fear makes my mind numb. I start to zone out and stare into space. My mind goes from the speed of light, to a speed even a slug would be embarrassed by.

Then, I feel her kick.
Hello, reality check. Ready or not, prepared or not, baby will COME.
I take a deep breath.
Remember somehow, every little thing is gonna be alright. God tells me so.
Exhale.

I start typing. This time is don't hit the delete button. I just keep typing. I open my heart and keep typing. I don't shy away from being honest, from laying it out there for everyone to see. I let it be heard the I am scared of the unknown. Life doesn't have the undo/delete button. It's one choice, that leads to another, that makes the person you are, you.  Ever wonder what older you would tell the younger you? My older me would probably say 'Stop being a martyr. Grow a pair. Kids grow quick. Quit whining. Sex gets even better! Chin up buttercup!' I imagine older me is more sarcastic that younger me.

I didn't think when I started this post that it would turn out like this, but that's just the point. That's life. It's not what you expect. But we gotta do it like we mean it, and hit publish.