music is a memory

As D-day quickly approaches [44 days, holla!] I am getting my ducks in a row: Things to have on hand for the birthday. Ordering the birth pool liner. Ice cream bucket for the placenta. Say it with me in a spanish accent, PLAAACENTA. Drag out that A. Cheking off the list of midwife requested items: washcloths, towels, coconut water, witch hazel and jumbo jet 747 sized pads. But I've added my own important item thing on the list:
Birth play list! MUSIC!

I had a playlist prepared for Rue's birth, but when shove came to push [ha] all I wanted to listen to was Brian and Jenn Johnson's cd "Love Came Down". That sucker was on repeat for nearly 24 hours. Straight. I didn't want to listen to anything else. Afterwards, I was tempted to throw the cd into a bucket of gasoline and light a match. It was a gorgeous cd, tainted with crazy wonderful painful memories. I couldn't listen to it after [for a long time] without being lurched back to that place, and just turning it off.

Then tonight, it came on my iTunes and all I could do was smile as I remembered my 24 hour labor! It was a beautiful cd for me again! That makes me think I am more ready for this birth that I ever thought.

Isn't it amazing how music [and scent!] can contain such sensory memories and bring us right back to a specific moment in time?

OK, off I go to start compiling my song list. Any recommendations?

One year & 9 days ago...

We had our first family photo shoot.

Our baby was freshly out of the oven and a tender 9 days old.

He had never left the house. {love homebirth!}

'Brink Party of 3'

xo,

Y

remembering: Labor Day

The first [lucid] thought I had this morning:

'oh my gosh, its my Labor Day anniversary!'

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a normal monday and I was visiting my midwife for a checkup at 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was certainly ready to get the party started and my [sweet amazing wonderful angel] midwife Sara agreed when she saw my blood pressure spike. With a little gentle encouragement, labor began at 5 pm and carried through the night until 3 pm the following day.

continue reading the store here...

9 months.

you are 9 months old muffin!

biggest month marker so far because you have lived as long on the outside as you did on the inside.

that makes pregnancy seem like an eternity!

you climb the entire flight of stairs in under 10 seconds.

this happens of course when I am fixing you a bottle, and forget to put the gate up.

suddenly you are at the top and my heart skips a beat.

you have graduated to a 'big boy' bath and you L.O.V.E. bath time.

splashing around, playing with your toys.

you are still sporting 2 bottom teeth, but we are rooting on your top four which seem to be come in together. ouchie.

you love to eat puffs, and it only took you a day to get your pincher fingers down pat.

you have great motor skills.

sometimes in the morning as you wait for me to come get you, I hear you singing.

other times you are really quiet and when I peek in your room to see what you're up to, I find you standing in the corner of the crib, holding the curtain back and peering out the window.

daddy and I think you are RAD.

xo,

mama

8.5 months!

This is a half month shout out to my baby boy...because this blog has turned unto my virtual baby book.

You are nearly 8.5 months and last week you said 'dada' for the first time.

It was out of nowhere!

One minute you are quietly sitting in the shopping cart as I avoided crashing into the gobs of stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond [I loathe that store, it makes me claustrophobic]

and you start....

'ddddaaaaaaaadaahhhh. DDddaaaadddda.'

So it looks like Dad won the battle of who's name you would say first.

[gahhh]

You are in 'explore the world mode' allllll thhhheeee tiiiimme.

It's really fun and really tiring.

But I wouldn't quench your zest for life, for anything.

You LOVE food and you smack your lips like a fishy when you see us eat.

Just yesterday your friend Eva spilled her cherio's on the ground, you gobbled them up so fast; it was as if manna was falling from heaven down on you!

I say this with all honesty, I have so much FUN hanging out with you.

When you crawl around my feet as I sweep, or hang on to my legs as I cook, it melts me.

Or my favorite: when you are in the middle of your fun, you pause and look around the room till you see me and we smile at each-other.

I love that at such a young age you are already look to me for acknowledgment and approval.

You make my heart sing little bear.

xox, Mama

[here's proof that even cartoons hate Bed Bath & Beyond]

8 months!?

my little man.

you are 8 months old!

I've always said you were a quiet baby, but the last few days you found your lungs

[and I mean that in a positive way]

your latest thing is shrieking and screeching.

you open your mouth wide and stick your tongue out really far and SHRIEK.

it makes your dad and I laugh out loud.

your smile is contagious.

you are getting cuter by the day.

you love other babies.

you follow me around as I sweep the house like I am the most fascinating thing in the world.

you have two teeth! :)

...and to risk sounding redundant...

i think you are amazing and I LOVE YOU.

xo, mama

7 months old

sitting like a pro.

crawling like mad.

squealing with delight.

scaling the coffee table.

standing up in his crib.

getting his fair share in bumps and bruises.

fearless.

happy 7 months little dude!

seriously, I'm crawling

Look at the seriousness on his face!

Crawl Face from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

my house is a giant choking hazard

the coffee table has been cleared.

the rocks from the fake fireplace have been removed.

the pretty breakable things have been moved higher up...

...'cause this boy is cra-cra-crawling! The skooch-along army-crawl has been in the works for about 3 weeks, but yesterday he finally got the real crawl. The 'one uncertain arm followed by one uncertain knee, followed by a more certain arm'....and voila. I'm so proud.

And I'm also paranoid. Now that he can get places, I realize my house is one great big giant choking hazard. So the official baby-proofing began yesterday. Because, I am tryyying, but I don't know when kids begin to understand the word NO. Or NO-NO, as I say it. So I'd rather just move the chemicals and small inedible objects. We can learn the meaning of No-No later.

What he lacks in speed [at the moment] he makes up for in passion. He crawls with PURPOSE people. His determination makes me laugh. Goodbye knees of milky skin, hello rug burn red! Speaking of rug burn knees - his only pair of leg warmers were dirty, and I needed a quick fix. So I took some old socks and cut the toe parts off. I reincarnated my hole-in-the-toes Wonder Woman socks into crawlers for Rue. I'm so crafty & cheap it kills me.

He's also standing up in his crib, pulling himself up onto the coffee table and attempting to climb the couch. Like it's a rock climbing wall and he's been doing it for years. Is this normal at his tender age of 6 months 3 weeks??

.

.

.

{and now onto some thoughts that have nothing to do with this post, but are gnawing away at my brain nonetheless}

I don't know how long it takes for one's hormones and feelings to go back to normal [whatever 'normal' is, or was] but I'm still not feeling 100% myself yet. Seems like mom's who had 'postpartum' or barely scraped by the first few months take longer to adjust emotionally. Baby boy is 7 months old next week, and I am shedding no tears. I love him more than anything, but wow....what a RIDE it's been. I am hoping my next child doesn't do me in the same way. [Wow, did I actually just say 'my next child' out loud?? I must be farther along in my recovery than I thought] haha. What are your thoughts moms? Am I normal in still feeling 'out of it'?

Looking to the future with hope in my heart,

Yana

hold me closer Tony Danza [or was it tiny dancer?]

My kid. Doing his thing. Walkin' his beat. Shakin' his groove.

NEVER STOPS MOVING. EVER.

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Y

Rue 'flash dance' Brink from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

the first weeks

I planned to have this video done months ago, but 'life' got in the way.
Here it finally is, my first edited film! My baby was so little then, and now he is just about crawling! It's unbelievable. I should start working on a crawling video...it should be finished by the time he's walking. Haha.

Enjoy!

Baby Ruehl - the first weeks of life [on the outside] from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

sentimental gushy wooshy

I began drafting a post yesterday to commemorate Ruehl's '6th months on the outside' and as I looked at all the photos [of my very skinny baby who resembled Benjamin Button; such an old soul] and videos [wow, does my voice really sound like that?] ... can I just say, YA'LL, I got so freakin ooshy gooshy melty sad happy feelings going on.

In my mind, he was just born yesterday! [sort of] and now WHAM-O, he's half a year old.

6 months:

He is such a chilled kiddo.

He loves to sleep 11 hours a night, sans interruption.

He rolls all over the place.

He started eating brown rice cereal.

He can feed himself a bottle.

He is a HUGE flirt.

He cuddles.

He began 'rocking'...I think crawling is just around the corner.

He doesn't like to sit though...too much of a mover.

He's my little bebe webe.

I'll continue working on a photo/video blog...let me just get a Costco sized tissue box out and I'll finish it.

In honor of breastfeeding week, I'm going to cry some more

I thought I was over it*.

It*, being, the fact that we had to stop breastfeeding.

I should rephrase that- we didn't HAVE to but after three months of baby's non-stop crying and pain due to a sensitivity to lactose, we chose to stop. I could've waited it out another 3+ months till his stomach settled, but I was on the verge of a major breakdown.

So, with that said, we had to stop breastfeeding. Most of you who have stuck around HGBB know this fact already. And I thought, I was over it. A tearful phone call to a good friend yesterday morning proved otherwise. I am not over the disappointment, sadness and pain that I feel from not getting that experience with my baby. To give him the best nutrition possible. To bond.

I needed to be 'over it' because its just what I had to do. To accept it. To move on. To be a happy mommy for my baby. But, being that it's breastfeeding week and all, my Facebook and blog reading list is inundated with photos, blogs and news articles about how horrible formula is and how superior boob milk is, and it's honestly making me feel pretty crappy. I KNOW that formula isn't the best, but what else can I do at this point? I'm such a natural person, I totally anticipated bfeeding for over a year...and that is not possible anymore.

I expect mom's to be proud that they are breastfeeding, it just hurts that I can't. I wish I wasn't affected by opinions and other people, but I am. Especially when it comes to that little 17 lb bundle of joy that I call my son; whom I am happy to say is happier, lovelier and cuter than ever. So, formula may suck, but my kid is happy. All haters can just suck it; a bottle of formula that is. ;)

8 weeks at Easter

This Easter I was flooded with memories of being a little girl full of excitement Sunday morning. Waking up with anticipation of the hunt for chocolates and plastic eggs that my mom hid around the house was the best! Someday, I will do the same for my little bird. The sweet part?

I will be just as excited to watch him on the hunt as he will...

happy first Easter & 8 weeks my little buttercup!

xo, mama

A is for Asian & Adorable

I can't wait to see Rue's cute butt crawling around in these adorable japanese leggings:

Dobutsu leggings available here!

6 weeks

happy belated 6 weeks my little angel...

Confessions of a New Mom

I'm debuting a new series!

'Confessions of a New Mom' has been rolling around in my head for the past 7 weeks, and what a humbling 7 weeks they have been. I want the series to be a very honest look at being a new mom, full of wonders, questions, concerns, tears & laughs.

Cheers to Motherhood!

1. So, you spend 9 months incubating a human. They stretch your body out to extremes you didn't know possible. You visit every public bathroom in your city because they love to use your bladder as a pillow. You plan, prepare, nest, spend money, and bother folding all the little itty bitty clothes and stack them neatly in their dresser. Then D-Day comes. You labor. Long and Hard. Hours or days later, somehow...you squeeze a melon out a hole the size of a lemon drop.

Your baby is hoisted up onto your chest, and instantly you're in flutterby-twitterpated-love. But, instead of going to a day spa to rest, heal and an recuperate, full with all you can drink cocktails, you have to care for a newborn. A pooping, crying, newborn. You waddle like you rode a bucking bronco for a few days and your derrière is 'out of order'. Your girl bits? Well, let's just hope your husband doesn't scream like a little girl when he sees 'it' for the first time?

OH THE JOYS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT.

2. I cried as much as he did the first three weeks.

3. household chores and laundry hava taken a back seat since Rue arrived. Between the constant feeding, holding, feeding, nuzzling, feeding, changing, feeding, burping... [did I mention FEEDING??] it's considered a 'productive day' if I've showered, brushed my teeth and am wearing mascara.

4. Ruehl is exploring his vocal chords, and nothing thrills my heart more than to hear him cooing, and gurgling. He also gave us his first smile at 6 weeks. Best moment ever.

5. It's very difficult to type one handed.

6. I'm an open bar, and my son is a milk-a-holic. No. Seriously. Feeding every 1.5-2 hours, at 40-50 minutes per feed....I'm basically one big PERMA BOOB.

7. Parenthood is more incredible, beautiful and awesome than I could've dreamed. It's also more humbling and challenging than I expected. I guess it's just one of those things that no one can explain. You just have to experience it for yourself.

I haven't thrown the baby out with the bath water...

Doves, hello hello!
Welcome to my blog, new and old readers!
I want thank Leigh from Marvelous Kiddo for featuring Rue’s birth story as ‘birth story of the week.’ I’ve read her fabulous blog for over a year and been inspired many times by the beautiful pictures and words of mamma’s and their birth experiences. I feel blessed to have joined the ranks of women who have brought life into this world. Hopefully I can and have already inspired someone with my birth story.

For those of you who have been following HGBB for a while, you know I’ve been infrequent in my posts since the babe was born. Oops. It happens to all new-&- really-sleep-deprived-moms right? I seem to have about….an hour of free time a day, and it’s normally not at the same time! When the babe actually lays down for a ‘catnap’ my brain goes something like this:

“He’s sleeping………………………………
!? !?
Sigh.
What should I do?
Sleep?
Eat.
Pee?
Wash a load of dirty baby clothes?
Put away the clean dishes?
Load the dirty dishes that are piling up?
Dry the load that I washed two days ago, that’s been sitting in the washer and is probably musty by now??
Pluck my bushwacked Freida-esque eyebrows?
Brush my teeth today?
Put on ‘real clothes’?
Take out the dirty diaper trash that’s stinking to high heaven?
Blog?
Shower!!!

By the time I have figured out what to do, I’ve wasted 5 minutes of his naptime, and somewhere between the toilet flush and burning the grilled cheese sandwich, he stirs. I hear his little cry calling to me ‘come hold me mama!’…So I shove a piece of blackened bread in my mouth and I run to grab him. That’s love folks.

Well, what can I say about being a new mom? It’s beautiful, and exhausting. I’m so in love. My arms are getting stronger by the day because he loves to be held 24/7.
We don’t sleep much and we both have cried a LOT these first 4 weeks, but it’s getting better. I’ve heard that 6 weeks is a milestone for newborns, so my fingers are crossed. I hope to have more ‘me’ time in the coming future, for one, to blog. I’ve missed it, and I really love to stay connected to you all. Thanks for all the wonderful sweet comments! They are the butter on my bread!!

Stay tuned for a new series: Confessions of a New Mom.

All my love,

Yana

Ruehl at one month!

le birth pics

Rue's Epic Birthday

Monday February 8th: I was 41 weeks and 2 days post due. I was certainly ready to not be pregnant any longer. I was aching to hold my babe! At my check up that afternoon with my midwife I asked what natural remedies we could use to ‘get this show on the road!’ Sarah, my amazing midwife, was not as eager to get things going as I was and figured he needed ‘more baking.’ She said ‘we can pull out the ‘big guns’ [ie, castor oil, sweeping your membranes] on Friday if you haven’t gone into labor yet’. But she changed her tune after taking my blood pressure. It had suddenly spiked and she was concerned about preeclampsia [of course, it could’ve been due to all the crap food I ate at the Superbowl party the night before, but there was no way to tell] An exam revealed that my cervix was thin and soft, and 2 cm dilated. She suggested sweeping my membranes to get things going. She wanted him to be born ASAP! I was thinking Hallelujah!
On my 30 min drive home I began having contractions about 6 minutes apart. It was extremely difficult to drive as all I wanted to do was close my eyes and relax. Not a good idea with tractor trailers all around. I called my husband, but he wasn’t answering. Thanks babe, great time to not answer! I arrived safely home, and a few minutes later Chris arrived. “Good news, we’re in early labor!”

My parents had invited us to join them and a few mutual friends for a dinner party. Chris and I knew that we had a long night ahead of us, so we figured eating some food and seeing a few friends would be good for both of us. My parents live right around the corner so we enjoyed walking over to their house. When we arrived everyone was anxious to hear about the checkup. They beamed when we told them that labor was beginning. We celebrated our coming baby with a ‘pre-birthday’ party.

After an hour, we said goodbye and walked home. Eager to stay preoccupied during the early labor stage we played Wii bowling for about 2 hours. I was bouncing on my yoga ball and between contractions was getting strikes left and right. Around 9 pm Chris called our midwife Sarah to let her know that we were in early labor and would call again when we needed her. By 11 Chris was tried and fell asleep. I tried to sleep sitting up in bed, because when I laid down my back and hips hurt tremendously. So I didn’t have any luck sleeping. I was walking, pelvic rocking and swaying, but when a contraction came on it felt like my hips and thighs were being torn to shreds with a lawn mower. I was not expecting the pain to be so epic. The thing that helped the most was bearing down and squatting. I would hold onto the bathroom sink, the tub, the couch or the counter top. I was starting to cry and panic a little bit…I thought if this pain got worse I might not be able to handle it. At 1 am I woke up Chris and suggested he call Sarah. Right after that I got so nauseous I vomited everything till I dry heaved. I heard that was normal so I didn’t freak out. Contractions were coming about every 5 minutes at this point. I was so happy to see Sarah’s face, and a quick checked revealed I was 4 cm. Not huge progress, but progress none the less. My mom arrived at 6 am, looking fresh and glamorous and was bubbling “Hello! We’re gonna have a baby today” And I was moaning like a cow. She quickly got the picture that this was pretty serious business.

8 am I get in the birthing pool. I labored there for 6 hours. According to my husband (I had lost all sense of time) I progressed about 1 cm every two hours. Moaning, grunting, changing positions was how I got through the hours. I needed constant counter pressure on my back and my hips. My husband was an angel. He worked really hard to help keep me comfortable. If he was gone during a contraction I had to tell myself ‘You can do this alone. You CAN.’ There was one point that I said, ‘OK, I need this to be done soon. I need to be able to push.’

By 2 pm I had dilated to 9 cm, but there was a persistent interior cervical lip that would not move past his head. Sarah tried to push it out of the way during a few contractions. Having someone’s hand up in your vagina during a contraction hurts like hell. She suggested I tried to bear down a little and push to see if that would move it out of the way, which didn’t work and didn’t feel good. I wasn’t ready yet. Then came transition. I whimpered ‘Ok. I’m done. I want to run away. I want to go to Paris with my mom. I want to go shopping, and drink wine and eat cheese, and sip coffee and eat a croissant. I’m done.’ Sarah replied, ‘awww, you want a vacation with Chris?’ And I said ‘Nooo. I didn’t say THAT. I want to go with my MOM.’ My mom said, ‘If she goes to Paris with Chris THIS {baby} will happen again!’ We all laughed. It was perfect comic relief.

After 45 minutes of no luck with the cervical lip, Sarah suggested getting out of the water and pushing on the birth stool. I was 9.5 cm. With a few pushes, I was fully dilated.
Sarah and her assistant Angela pushed in my perineum with warm rags and told me to push with everything I had. So I did. And I roared. And Grunted. And made extremely sexual noises. And screamed. And then between contractions I feel asleep, hardcore, for like 2 mins. Then I threw up some more. I felt like a lion when pushing, and a lamb when it was over. I was weak and exhausted, and yet had so much adrenaline when pushing. Sarah showed me his head in the mirror, we could only see a little bit. More pushing. It felt like I was being ripped in two. There’s now other way to describe it. Finally the crown of his head was about half way out. When she showed me with a mirror again, this time my body took over with out my brain being involved, and I began shaking and groaning. It was so guttural, instinctual and powerful it was frightening. I could feel myself tearing. Sarah told me to back off and to stop pushing. ‘Stop pushing?!’ After pushing with everything inside of, NOT PUSHING was the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done in my life. I told her I was trying to stop but I couldn’t. She told me to breath hard in her face. While I did that I was thinking ‘OMG, my throw up breath must be soooooo awful. I’m sorry sarah!!’ She told me just ‘let the pressure be there, and just let his head hang there. Just let him slide out. Holy crap…………It was music to my ears when she said, ‘his eyes are out. His hose is out…..his cheeks are out… his lips are out! His head is out!’ The next thing I knew he had slid completely out and they placed him on my chest. Chris and I began balling as I held our son. I kissed his bloody head. I welcomed him to his house, told him I was his mama. So much love welled up inside of me. I was laughing. Shocked. In awe. Amazed. Relieved. Blissed out. It was incredible. 24 hours total, 16 hours of hard labor. One hour and 15 minutes of pushing. My little Ruehl Grayson arrived 7 lbs, 8 oz. 21.5 inches long.

In a nutshell, it was the most thrilling, beautiful and intense moment of my life. 2 weeks later and I’ve already forgotten the intensity of the pain. I think it is woman’s fatal flaw to forget the pain. It wasn’t quick, and wasn’t easy, but it was rewarding! Someone asked me ‘so now that you’ve done it naturally, next time are you going to get the epidural??’ I laughed. ‘No way. Never. I’m a home birthing mama and love it that way.’

The end… [and just the beginning]