confessions of a new mom with a toddler

Day 5 of being stuck at home.

Rue woke up monday with a snotty faucet nose and since then has been snotty and whiny-Mc-whinerton -sir-whines-a-lot.

I haven't wanted to go anywhere, because who likes to shop & go to Starbucks with a whiny baby? And who likes to take their sick baby to a playdate? Not me. I had been so strong all week, until last night:

When I had crushed my millionth cheerios, when I had found him sucking on a Method floor cleaner bottle [the lid was closed...whew.] when I had refolded the laundry 3 times because he loves to take things out of the basket, when he refused the food he normally loves, when I had listened to whining for 35 hours, when I had picked up poop with my bare hands thinking it was black beans from lunch [which, in theory it was] when the poop had trickled down his leg and up his back, when he peed on the floor waiting for me to slam dunk his poopy butt into the tub, when i found him turning on the gas burners, when he took all of his bottles/feeding paraphernalia out of his drawer and when he had taken all the books off the bookshelf for the 3rd time in one day. Thats when I lost it.

'I CAN'T FRIGGIN TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! I'M DONE!'

Thankfully meltdown city was perfectly timed to Chris getting home. He arrived to a roaring wife, over cooked dinner, and a surprisingly happy son. Isn't that the irony, when your husband gets home your kids are on their best behavior and all of your desperate texts to your husband make you look like a crazy person?

In bed that night he asked me if I was ok. Fitting question, as I was crying.

No. I'm not ok. I'm feeling very trapped by the responsibility of a child. Of being a stay at home mom. Some days I just don't want to do it. Sometimes other moms and blogs who's lives look neat and organized and who have shiny happy kids that seem perfect and here I am wanting to run away. Yes, I'll have a side of guilt trip please, thank you. I'm struggling with the fact that my son is growing up and as much as I love it, I can't stop it. But I want to! Most of the time I want to savor every moment...but weeks like this make me say get me the hell out of 2011 and give me an 8 year old please! SURE...we had some sugar sweet melty heart moments when he would walk up to me and sit on my lap and lean back and look up at me and touch my face. And then sir whines a lot would think of something he didn't have and wanted and would start the whiny whines again. Old people say 'Enjoy every moment! Before you know they will be going to college!

I'm finding it difficult to balance the 'savoring' moments and the 'check please' moments.

Looking for perspective. If you have some please leave it after the beep...

{beeeeeep}

Not all grey...

I don't know if it's teething, his new found mobility, or his growing independence, but suddenly my boy has no desire to sleep. His two naps are a measly 45 minutes, nighttime wake ups are happening again and my mommy love/patience/grace tank is getting low low low.

My fb status from this morning:

A morning with my girls and coffee saved Rue's cute lil' neck from strangulation. He knew it too, because just today he said 'mama'. Cheeky monkey already knows how to butter me up.

And I mean strangulation in the most humorous, sarcastic way possible. You gotta laugh right? I'm just being honest here friends...some mommy days you realize there must've been fine print that you didn't read when you signed up for this kid business.

There were some great moments today, so I must give credit where credit is due.

My day was not all grey! [see Chris, your girl can be an optimist!] The sun was shining and the sky was blue. I had coffee with mahh best girlfrenz at a kid friendly coffee shop. All the kiddos played like champs. Rue said 'mamamamamama'!! Which was heaven to my ears. And.......he took a LOT of steps! I think by his first birthday we will have a full blown walker.

Another day bites the dust. Thankfully, there is always tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow.

xo.

red peckers & roller coasters

{tired arms from waving a white flag}

The Brink Haus has seen some high high's and some looow lowwwww's today.

It all started with a frantic cry from his room at 12:30 last night.

As usual I reached into the crib to find his pacifier and re-plug, but what I found instead was a warm puddle of vomit. I turn on the light and see Rue crying and rubbing his eyes/heads/face with little vomit hands. 'Chris [I know you have to get up at 6 to shovel your car and give a presentation to the owner of your company on your new design and you need your brain working tomorrow, but I need you to come here and] help!'

So we get him cleaned up, new bedding, and he's sleeping again within minutes. I figure [hope really] that his tummy must've been upset and it's nothing to worry about. I doze off to sleep.

Around 1:30 I hear him cry again. More vomit. At that point I realized it is something more serious and probably is that strange vomit/viral bug that has been traveling around all the church kids. [MOMS OUT THERE- If your kid is sick puhlease, DON'T bring them to play-dates!] I laid awake for another hour or two racked with anxiety. Of course there was nothing more that I could do at that point, but I'm his mother....it's my job to worry.

This morning he woke up an hour later than usual, we snuggled in bed and everything seemed hunky dory. Until, you guessed it, more vomit. I called our pediatrician and he confirmed based on symptoms that it is a viral 24-48 bug going around. With some extra TLC the afternoon seemed to have finally turned around. He was happy and eating and talking away. Then out of the blue came the screaming. The frantic screaming. The being cut with ten thousand little daggers screaming. I couldn't figure it out! I took him upstairs to change his diaper and what do I find? A huge crap and terrible diaper rash, with the worst of it on le Pecker. Thanks to my 3-day long STUPID HEAD COLD, I couldn't smell his overly full diaper! mom fail.

Uggghhhhhhhhhhhh. Rue, if you read this someday, I am SO SORRY. [I only have the best intentions when it comes to your pecker. And I don't mean that in an awkward way. I'm gonna stop typing my thoughts now.] So, I'm feeling like I earned a crappy mom award.

I can't breathe, my kid has a red pecker, and it's only wednesday.

Good Mommy/Confessions of a new mom

The moment I found out I was pregnant I thought 'wow. I hope that I will be a good mom to this little baby!' I had a pretty strong idea of what a 'good' mom meant, and I had no idea I would be setting myself up for failure. 'Good' mom equated to = 'perfect'.

I had this idea that a good mom was: Effortless. Organic. Chic. On top her game. Co-slept. Wore her baby all the time. Cloth diapered. Breastfed. Never depressed. Never lost her temper. Made fresh home made baby food all the time. Stylish. Always showered, clean and wore makeup.

I quickly [and by quickly, I mean quickly] realized I had failed. It's easy to fail when you have unrealistic Mt. Kilimanjaro-sized expectations for yourself.

Yet I still struggled with myself. "Am I still a good mom if I run out of grace and lose my temper? Am I a bad mom if I leave Rue to cry in his crib after my bag of tricks to entertain/feed/clothe/distract gets emptied? Am totally lame that he has most likely eaten a cup of dirt/leaves/grass while I wasn't looking? Do good mom's let their kids suck all the ink off the tags from toys made in China???

The answer that I have come to 8 months later ? OF COURSE I'M A GOOD MOM. I'm a great mom. Webster's definition of good is : of a favorable character or tendency. Virtuous. Right. Commendable. Adequate. Suitable.

Some days I: lose my temper, forget deodorant, don't start dinner until 8 pm, leave dirty clothes to roast and stew for a week, let Rue eat grass, cry when I'm exasperated and wish someone would hold me and rock me to sleep.... but, I'm a good mom because I love good. I love hard. I adore my son. I do the best that I can and that's enough. I don't strive for perfection anymore, just the best version of myself. And who knows maybe someday Rue will adore me and think that I'm perfect, just like they way I looked at my mom when I was little. I don't think he's going to care that about any of the petty things that I beat myself up with.

If you are reading this and you can relate in any way, take heart. Go easy on yourself. I have read so many blogs that impacted me and really changed my view point, and I hope that I have done that for someone else today. Learn from my mistakes! Know that you are a GREAT mom no matter what. And for heaven's sake, let's omit the term 'good' mom and adopt being 'great', shall we??

'the light at the end of the tunnel is brought to you by Nutramigen'

Day 4 of Nutramigen, a lactose free formula.

HE IS ALREADY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BABY.

Yesterday he took three [count em, THREEEE] naps, one of which was 3 hours long, and the rest of the day he was HAPPY. As in, didn't cry all day. Which was, the FIRST day of his life that he didn't cry. I am still in shock and awe.

The formula is expensive, but to see his happy little face all day long, it's so worth the money.

Poor Kid, he had so much tummy/gut pain that he would just cry cry cry after he ate. So to get him to calm down, I would feed him again. Which would make everything worse. I knew he wasn't colicky, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Thank God for Pediatricians who know their stuff.

[I am bumming about not being able to breastfeed him anymore. Last Friday when it was feeding time, I habitually sat down on my 'spot' on the couch and started to unhook my bra, when I realized....'I'm not breast feeding him anymore' it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went and fixed him a bottle, cradled him in my arms, began to feed him, and cried. Tears of joy, and sadness. Joy that he is not hurting anymore. Joy that I got to nourish him with my breasts and build up his immune system. I wish I had savored up every drop our last feeding. But I keep telling myself that my arms and kisses, love and words will nourish him.]

I'm sure there will still be rocky days ahead, but I'm saying hooray, hooray for the light at the end of this dark three month long tunnel.

all my love, Y

the cliff

40 weeks, 3 days. Still pregnant.
Not much of a surprise there, for a first time mom to go over due.
But so many emotions to sort and process. I didn't know exactly what I was feeling till I sent my husband a text that turned into a mini novel:

'This waiting is starting to mess with my head, particularly pertaining to my courage and gumption. Can I really do this? What I mean is, you know...like...standing at the edge of a cliff. The longer you stand and wait...and don't jump, the easier it is to believe you can't jump, won't jump, OR will die if you actually do. If you would've just run up to the edge without looking and jumped, there's only room for falling, not for doubting. I feel like I've been sitting on the lefge, dangling my feet. Twidling my thumbs. Whistling. Guessing how many feet till the waters surface and how cold the water will be.'

I shared that because...honsetly... I'm a little scared. Just a little afraid of this jump into the unknown. Of course I can do it, will do, and won't die. When push comes to shove, I will enjoy the jump, the fall and the plunge. I will swim in new waters and take it all in. I just hope my little boy is ready soon because this mama is ready to take the plunge.

it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...

Hey doves,

Last night was a full moon and our boy's 'Due Date'. We were all hoping for baby to emerge.
And with timing 3 hours of contractions varying in intensity & frequency [just a few minutes apart], I thought I would be last night for sure!

Ok. So. No baby. [I am currently taking applications for my 'Woman's Intuition' because I fired mine.] I am TRYING to stay busy, and positive, and hopeful, but seriously...I'm so frustrated. And Bored. To tears. I feel like I can say that because....well this is my blog, and you are my friends. And you wont judge me, right? Just encourage me.

I KNOW he is going to be here soon....but I am beginning to grow so frustrated with 'false alarms'. Next time I have regular contractions I am going to ignore them until I can't walk or talk until they are over. Then that way I will know he's coming for sure. At that point I hope there will still be time for the midwife to arrive!? :)

Keep me in your hearts and prayers please!

xox, Y

let's do this! (and I'm scared out of my mind)

my friend asked me 'So, how are you feeling? Are you sad, anxious, nervous, excited, avoiding people cuz you can't bear to hear anyone else say "Still hanging in there?" Not going to church? I get it!'



That couldn't describe my feelings more! Wednesday I was a shining, smiling, giddy ball of joy and energy- so ready to meet him. The crib had arrived, the birth pool arrived (hooray!) I took some belly pictures with a friend, and even got my hair cut and colored. I WAS PUMPED. 'Ok baby, you can come now!' I said. Thursday? Thursday I cried into the simmering pot of rice and beans. I thought 'I am going to be so needed by another human being...but I still need to be taken care of. I still need my mom. The idea of that is so overwhelming'
But Wow, my SON! My first born son. I can't wait to meet this little life and grow to know who he is! What an honor.

I get the question 'Are You Excited?!' daily. Answering yes is the understatement of the year.
I am. I sooo am. Ready and scared shitless. But that's normal. Right? right. riiight?

Baby ticker says 19 days, but I'm feeling some deep movement, pelvis pressure, and contractions, so we'll see. Maybe sooner? (yippeee!)

xo, Y