I'm sure I sound extreme, but I feel I extreme. My little boy isn't a text book baby.
He has cried for 3 months. He has horrible gas that keeps him from sleeping and wakes him up when he does sleep. Nap time is a fight. He will take 1 out of 4 naps a day. Nights are just starting to get better. Breastfeeding started off great and somewhere along the line he wasn't gaining weight. I saw a lactation consultant for a month and we are back on track, but we have a lot of weight to gain before he's up to where he should be. The pediatrician suspects that his stomach can't handle the lactose and he's in pain. I have cut out dairy, but he's still unhappy. We might need to try a high-enzyme formula, which means I can't breastfeed for a while. I feel like I've failed.
That's where the wimp part comes in.
I've been too afraid to blog about this. About post-partum depression. About feelings of helplessness. Of frustration. Fear. Panic. Thoughts of 'what have I done to deserve this?' Feelings of anxiety. Despair. Failure. Expectation. I've been afraid of being judged by the mom's who have the perfect babies, and the perfect blogs to go with it. The mom's who's life looks like a fairy tale. I read their posts and cry, thinking...is their life really picture perfect like it seems? Or are they as unhappy as I am but aren't saying it?
So, I am finally saying it. This is really, really, stinkin hard. If you are one of those blessed mommies who's babies sleep well through the night, takes naps during the day, you have the time and energy to cloth diaper, you can paint your nails, eat square meals, have time to clean your house & cook dinner with out breaking a sweat, you. lucked. out. Don't take it for granted. There are other mommies out there who want to pull their hair out every day.
My life isn't perfect, and I don't want to post only the good stuff. I'm glad I finally grew a pair and shared this with you guys. This is a 'confessions of a new mom'.
14 comments:
You are not alone and i'm glad you shared this.I had my baby girl on march 15 and so far it has been amazing but oh so challenging. Ever since i had harper ive been reading baby blog after baby blog with babies around the same age, and i wonder what am i doing wrong? Every one looks so happy and rested and put together. So you are not alone and i'm glad you have shared because now i feel like i'm not alone either. Good luck!
Heyyyyyyyy,
I am not a mom, but I can sympathize as I have struggled with depression myself. It is hard. You feel like you are walking around in an altered reality and nobody understands how you are feeling inside. You. are. not. alone. Don't be afraid to see your doctor if you need help in coping. Antidepressants have made a huge difference in my quality of life, and although there are probably a lot of granola crunching, naturopathic tree hugging people out there that would never believe or encourage taking medication for depression, it is always an option if you can't cope anymore.And you don't have to take them forever either. I don't understand why people don't have a problem with someone taking a thyroid medication, but think taking an antidepressant is crazy...anyways. I am not saying go on an antidepressant, all I am saying is if you need help, go and get it. It's there. And things WILL get better. Love to you!!
you are definitely not alone. having a newborn is NOT easy. anyone who says it is is lying. i agree with julia as well (being a sufferer of depression myself). don't think of yourself as a failure if you need to ask for help from your doctor. think of it as making yourself healthier so you can be focused on being a great mommy to ruehl.
bravo to you for being honest with us. please know that you are not alone, and that you will figure out a rhythm that works for you and the baby.
xoxo,
Allegra
i JSUT WROTE YOU ON YOUR FAcebook , im not sure if you check it, but it was wayyyyy to long of a message to post on here! lol :)
I'm so glad you shared. It is refreshing to know that it is hard for other people. The "perfect" lives blogs are not 100% truthful. It is easy to edit a picture and words to tailor make a fairy-tale setting. I think it is awesome that you had the guts to share your not-so-nice stuff. Hang in there and know that we are all rooting for you and praying that things get easier for you. You certainly have a cute Rue!!!
Hi there!
I know I am a stranger. But from one perfectionist mom to another? I just had to reply. I had all the same values as you and I felt like I was failing. My son had severe jaundice and had similar issues with his stomach. I had such horrible anxiety that I could not sleep, even though I was DEAD on my feet. I am a child and family therapist and I felt like I should know better how to handle it all. I was also told to take an anti-depressant and that made me angry because I felt like I was having a very reasonable reaction to a stressful situation. Thankfully my family doc took my blood levels and discovered that my progesterone levels were really low. This is very coming with breasfeeding moms. Please have your hormone levels checked. It's quite possible that they are a bit off right now.
I felt the same way....everyone else made like this was some kind of fairy tale experience. Instead, I found it a bit traumatizing and I was so anxious.
Also, the cloth diaper thing. I was hell bent on doing that as well. I finally threw in the towel and switched to disposables after a couple of months. The difference in his sleep was UNBELIEVABLE. The disposables are bad for mother earth, but they make a huge difference in sleep.
I cut my diet down to everything but bland grilled chicken, plain potatoes and bread. I don't think it ever really helped much and we did the formula thing for a couple of days....when it all came down to it, I think their little tummies are just figuring everything out. I don't really think it was anything I ate. We did start giving him Mylicon or Gripe Water and that helped.
Also, I think that 12 weeks was the HARDEST part because they WAKE up and....no one tells you this but...they can't go back to sleep. I used the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and I loved it. It's great for all parents, no matter if they co-sleep or not. It really taught me how to help my baby sleep with his natural sleep signals, using what I wanted to use (breastfeeding, babywearing, etc.)
You are not failing! You are perservering. You are doing it. Every day, it will get easier.
Best,
Tina
I haven't had my baby yet, so I know it's not the same...but I am very much in the "have very high (and often unrealistic) expectations of myself" category as well, and I have struggled a lot with this pregnancy. I pictured it being a million times different than it has been. I've been sick the majority of the time, I've had to let go of a lot of my ideals, and it's been a really difficult and stretching (literally and figuratively) journey. I blog much less than I probably could, because a lot of times I just don't have positive things to say, and I don't want to be such a downer.
I admire your honesty. Sometimes it's easier to pretend that it's all sunshine and daisies, but if we're going to fully experience those happy times I think it's probably important that we fully acknowledge and work through the tough times too.
I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way, for peace of mind and rest for you and your little boy, and for things to turn around soon. Cloth diapers and baby-wearing and the like are all wonderful things, but I'm pretty sure love is the best gift you can give your baby, and it seems like you've got that one down! Hang in there, mama! I bet there's sunshine and daisies just around the corner. :)
This is my favorite post you've ever written.
So proud of you.
And, as someone who is still a ways away from being a mom, it is encouraging to have a more realistic idea as to what to expect. Sorry that no one prepared you, but thank you for being honest and better preparing me.
You are strong and CAN do this.
I heart you.
You are NOT alone! And don't buy into any myth from the blogs you read that their lives are perfect either!!! It is very easy to make it look all wonderful and perfect in a blog. I will admit that I do not share too deeply on my blog, I just post quick stuff here and there with photos. So I applaud you for being real!
I've done this twice now and I can say that it IS hard! No doubt about it! Especially the first 4 months or so. As for trying to figure out what is bothering his stomach, you may never figure it out. I think it is very common for almost every baby to have these same issues early on in life. Their digestive systems are still developing. It takes 2 weeks of avoiding a certain food to get it out of your system, so think of how many months it would take to rule out what it is? I have found that by the time they get to be around 5 or 6 months, they start feeling better and things begin to go more smoothly.
Hang in there girl and keep doing what you are doing. You are doing awesome and don't sweat all the stuff you "thought" you were going to do. We all go into motherhood with expectations of doing this or that or whatever. But once we are in the trenches, we do what works best for us and baby. So don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for doing something differently than you had planned. Just go with the flow and adjust to your baby. You both will feel better about it in the long run. Hugs to you mama!! :)
OH Yana, I am so sorry. Having a newborn is so unlike any other stage of parenting. I am so sorry he is miserable and not sleeping and things are so rough. I'll pray for you! Right now I am dealing with a three year old who is a total nutcase. I've been the mom in the bathroom or on the back porch crying, away from the kids. He is such a handful, way more than other kids I meet and I feel the same way, like, "Am I doing something wrong? Why is so difficult???" but the truth that NO ONE can prepare you for? Every kid is different. Totally different. As different as one adult from another. And also, kids change. Just when you think your head will explode, there is a breakthrough. Just when you think you have it all figured out, there is a new frustration. Rue may end up being the most laid-back easy-peasy toddler and preschooler and other moms will be looking at you feeling how you are feeling now. It is nothing you are doing wrong and I promise one day you will look back and shake your head and admire how tough you were. You are tough! Doing the thing that makes the most sense (disposables, for instance) is NEVER failing -- you would be failing yourself to do otherwise. I cloth diapered Clark but gave it up after awhile with Alice. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That is okay. No two kids or situations are the same. Hang in there darling, I will be thinking of you.
You are totally not a wimp. You have NOT failed. And, you are so not alone. Newborns are tough stuff. I don't know any mothers who aren't thrown off by them. What you go through as a new mother is so often akin to torture. It's a miracle, that so many of us and our offspring survive. I used to joke that Levi was lucky to be so cute, otherwise I might eat him for breakfast. Oh, wait, I still say that...a lot. ;)
I remember thinking when Levi was a newborn that I would never feel human again. Around 3 months I began to see a semi sort of light at the end of the tunnel, and by 6 months that humanness became almost visible again. It does come back...that feeling of being human.
By the way, no mama is perfect...no matter what her blog looks like. We all fall short of our ideals...especially when our babies aren't text book babies. I know mine sure wasn't, and it is tough. But, when you get through it all you will have lots to be proud of. You have persevered through some of the toughest of times, and there is so much to be said for that.
I wish I had some sage advice, but anyone who tells you that they have it all figured out (especially when it comes to babies) is lying. Just keep persevering, take whatever time you can to pamper yourself, and know that you truly are doing your best. Your best really is enough even if it doesn't always feel like it.
If I can do anything for you or if you just need a word of encouragement or an extra prayer let me know. :)
Lots of love and prayers to you. I hope little Rue gives you a bit of a break for mother's day!!
Thank you for being real, it's a breath of fresh air even though I am sure you are looking for that fresh air yourself. This will pass, colic doesn't last forever. Then it will get fun, and you will forget about all of this heartache. And breast milk always comes back even after it has dried up, so if you are still up for nursing don't worry, you can.
xoxo
You are not a wimp, you are a mom : )
And once we do that, we don't get to just hit the "normal" button. We are not longer in control.
You will receive a lot of support here and other places.
Get out and go to a park and you will meet plenty that will "get it."
Hang in there! You have a precious son. I just scrolled down : ) Don't give up! You will be a better Mommy for it.
Dee
Oh lord, I don't even know where to start... all I can say is that somewhere around 8 months (2 months ago), I finally got out of baby jail. Which is to say that: Ike now sleeps in a crib in his own room (instead of my bed, which was a fine place to sleep until neither of us could sleep anymore!), he will actually nap (still swaddled in a swing at 10 months old -- can't wim 'em all), he no longer cries endlessly from colic, he can ride for 5 minutes in the car without screaming (but not much longer than that), and he'll eat a bit of something here and there just to give me hope that he can. Of course, he's still so underweight that he's off the charts and the kid wouldn't take a bottle even if he were starving.
Bottom line: it WILL get better! When people told me that at 4 months, I thought they were crazy.
Also, the people with perfect babies are LYING. I promise.
Good luck to you and I hope the new formula works wonders for the little guy!
xo,
Erin
Post a Comment