It*, being, the fact that we had to stop breastfeeding.
I should rephrase that- we didn't HAVE to but after three months of baby's non-stop crying and pain due to a sensitivity to lactose, we chose to stop. I could've waited it out another 3+ months till his stomach settled, but I was on the verge of a major breakdown.
So, with that said, we had to stop breastfeeding. Most of you who have stuck around HGBB know this fact already. And I thought, I was over it. A tearful phone call to a good friend yesterday morning proved otherwise. I am not over the disappointment, sadness and pain that I feel from not getting that experience with my baby. To give him the best nutrition possible. To bond.
I needed to be 'over it' because its just what I had to do. To accept it. To move on. To be a happy mommy for my baby. But, being that it's breastfeeding week and all, my Facebook and blog reading list is inundated with photos, blogs and news articles about how horrible formula is and how superior boob milk is, and it's honestly making me feel pretty crappy. I KNOW that formula isn't the best, but what else can I do at this point? I'm such a natural person, I totally anticipated bfeeding for over a year...and that is not possible anymore.
I expect mom's to be proud that they are breastfeeding, it just hurts that I can't. I wish I wasn't affected by opinions and other people, but I am. Especially when it comes to that little 17 lb bundle of joy that I call my son; whom I am happy to say is happier, lovelier and cuter than ever. So, formula may suck, but my kid is happy. All haters can just suck it; a bottle of formula that is. ;)
11 comments:
Don't beat yourself up. My daughter wasn't able to breastfeed for a couple of reasons. I pumped for 3 months, but my milk never fully came in. I gave it up because the physical pain I experienced (which the books and blogs usually gloss over) wasn't worth the small amount of breastmilk I could provide.
BTW, I'm adopted (thus never breastfed) and grew to 5'9" and have multiple degrees. Formula can't be all that bad. ;)
Don't be harsh on yourself. You knocked yourself out to do the best for your son. You love him to pieces, and that is good enough. Being a mama is rough enough without piling on guilt. You're a good one.
You may already know this, but it is possible to restart breastfeeding. If his tummy has straightened out, and you just want to. I'm not saying this as a judgment or because I think you should. Honestly, I think you're doing a great job. But, like you said you aren't over it. So, if that's totally unwanted advice then just ignore it. You're doing awesome, girl!
Oh man, don't beat yourself up! I remember how ecstatic you were when you found the right formula for baby r. And look how fast he's growing and how cute he's getting! I hate how people openly diss formula users, seriously stfu already and mind your own business. Everyone's situation is different.
LOVE.
Ohhh man...
You're so awesome. I'm no scientist, but I thoroughly believe that even more than the nutrition in breast milk a baby needs a happy and fully there mama...and you are that for your happy, healthy baby!!
xoxo
It sounds to me like you are being an awesome mom by doing what is best for you and your baby. I think more than anything, this sounds like a loss. It was something you had your heart set on. It was something you felt strongly about. I feel the same way about labor and delivery. I don't know that I would have made it without an epidural, but I wanted to labor. I wanted to give birth to him. I wanted that moment when I could bring him into the world. He was frank breach (butt down, head and feet up) and VERY large. I did EVERYTHING I could. I had acupuncture. I went to chiropractors. I spent hours on my hands and knees on an inverted ironing board and did head stands in an indoor pool. (yes, for real) After researching the external version, I decided it was too risky. I had a c-section. I had to wrap my brain around the fact that everything wasn't going to go the way I wanted it to. I still grieve a little when I hear beautiful birth stories (like yours!) but I know there were some things that I was able to do. We can't have it all the way we want it. Right now, there are TONS of things I have to acquiesce to with my son starting a new preschool/daycare. (clorox wipes, packaged school food, stupid "behavior" programs....etc.) I think we just do what we can to raise our children according to what's important to us to the best of our ability. That is what you are doing. Keep on truckin' girl.
Best,
Tina
Mothers are judgmental. But I think they do it out of insecurity. I say celebrate the awesome things you can and do for baby rue. You had a low impact homebirth, and you're able to be home w him everyday. That's something a lot of people wish they could do! Plus you gave it your best I mean seriously you did. Parenting isn't about the things you can't do for your babes it's about what you can do. And rue is a shining example of your efforts. Chin up chica and keep doing what you're doing!!!
ahh sweets, you are a wonderful momma and made the best decision at the time for him! How can you upset with that? You are a great mommy! xo
no worries girl!!! im in the same boat with you!!!! :)
I was just thinking about you last night, I even mentioned my thoughts to Aaron... and it was in regards to breastfeeding. (Spirit? dunno.) I haven't checked your blog since you brought baby Ruehl into the world, but for whatever reason, I wanted to peek today and see how you're doing. Ironic, eh?
After glancing thru the comments I see someone (Madeline) has already suggested what I wanted to suggest: Why not try to pick up BF'ing again, if you're still broken-hearted about it? You did what you felt to be right months ago, hard decision, so if you want to change your mind now, what's to stop you? If it doesn't work out for some reason, rest easy knowing you made the call and it has worked out for the best - that's what we're going to do, as parents, for the rest of our kids' lives!!
I've been reading up on adoptive breastfeeding because I was curious, if Aaron and I want to adopt in the future, is it possible to breastfeed a non-bio kid? Apparently it is; resources are limited but it's feasible.
I had no idea it was "breastfeeding week" as I'm not on FB anymore, but you've been on my heart nonetheless. Your sweet chubby wonder is happy and healthy and I'm sure you two have bonded just as miraculously as people who put a boob in their kid's mouth... it's a momma's nature. keep your chin up and roll with it. Try to resume, you don't have anything to lose. And there's always next time ;) ;) ;)
Love you doll. You ARE giving your yummy boy the best start in life - by your love for Chris and love for him - not by what you put in his mouth.
j
Ahhhh. I love my friends and readers, ie, encouragers.
It helps to know that there are many people saying CHIN UP, CHEER UP...I'm getting there :)
In general, Rue and I are both happy campers. He's eating, playing and sleeping well. And, I'm enjoying being a mom! Which I couldn't say with full confidence in the first three months. So I've come a long way.
I have definitely considered meeting with a lactation consultant again and attempting to 're-lactate', but it certainly will not be an easy process, and I don't know if I have it in me to try it. Pumping dry boobs does not feel good. I already had to work SO hard to get my supply up and it never fully came in, so I know the effort it takes, and that was when I was lactating. And most likely we would still need to supplement. Because not only was the breast milk bothering his stomach, he was also not gaining enough weight. So we had many problems. I don't think I could deal with more disappointments.
I said all that to say we can't try it again.
But you're right, next baby!! I've already asked God for a happy rolly polly baby that I can Bfeed a long time!
LOVE.
THANKS everyone who encouraged me.
I understand your sorrow. I wrote my own "grieving" post not too long ago: http://shelookslikeamom.blogspot.com/2010/08/she-grieves.html
It's funny how it works, isn't it, that we can have all of the best ideas and intentions for how we will care for our children, and then the children come with their own ideas of how they want to be cared for, and the two don't always match up! R has taught me a lot about letting go of what *I* want for her, and listening to what *she* wants. You're listening to your little boy. That is so very important. Keep it up. ^_^
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