In honor of breastfeeding week, I'm going to cry some more

I thought I was over it*.

It*, being, the fact that we had to stop breastfeeding.

I should rephrase that- we didn't HAVE to but after three months of baby's non-stop crying and pain due to a sensitivity to lactose, we chose to stop. I could've waited it out another 3+ months till his stomach settled, but I was on the verge of a major breakdown.

So, with that said, we had to stop breastfeeding. Most of you who have stuck around HGBB know this fact already. And I thought, I was over it. A tearful phone call to a good friend yesterday morning proved otherwise. I am not over the disappointment, sadness and pain that I feel from not getting that experience with my baby. To give him the best nutrition possible. To bond.

I needed to be 'over it' because its just what I had to do. To accept it. To move on. To be a happy mommy for my baby. But, being that it's breastfeeding week and all, my Facebook and blog reading list is inundated with photos, blogs and news articles about how horrible formula is and how superior boob milk is, and it's honestly making me feel pretty crappy. I KNOW that formula isn't the best, but what else can I do at this point? I'm such a natural person, I totally anticipated bfeeding for over a year...and that is not possible anymore.

I expect mom's to be proud that they are breastfeeding, it just hurts that I can't. I wish I wasn't affected by opinions and other people, but I am. Especially when it comes to that little 17 lb bundle of joy that I call my son; whom I am happy to say is happier, lovelier and cuter than ever. So, formula may suck, but my kid is happy. All haters can just suck it; a bottle of formula that is. ;)

My Best Friend's Wedding

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend meets a guy named Joe.

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend falls head over heels in love with Joe.

it's a pretty big deal when Joe proposes to your best friend at the grand canyon with a *huge* rock.

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend gets married to the man of her dreams.

Kate [my best friend of 12 years] married Joe in a Los Angeles garden two weeks ago. I had the pleasure of standing by her side on that happy day. She was a gorgeous bride, a vision in champagne. The wedding had a vintage 20's theme, complete with parasols, flapper bridesmaid attire & the reception was at an Art Deco restaurant downtown. The food was the delicious, the band was in full swing [literally] and all 50 guest donned vintage attire.

It was a beautiful, elegant yet simple wedding.

Congratulations my sweet Kate. I mean...MRS. Petrick!

My little Ruester in his fancy H&M suit, 5 months!

xo, Y

Alooooha!

A happy hello from the land of the hula!

Chris, Baby, my Mom, Dad & I have been having a delicious, sea salty, sun-burnt heck of a good time here on the island of Molokai. We arrived Tuesday morning and have blissfully frolicked in the waves, snorkeled, sunbathed and grilled our hearts out. Tomorrow is my birthday [hooray!] and to celebrate we will be grilling fresh fish we bought off the back of a local's pickup truck & popping champagne for mimosas on the beach. Should be quite the 26th birthday!

As much as I have missed my bed, my blog, my friends...I really don't want to come home. I quite enjoy smelling like coconut suntan lotion, sans makeup, bikini's only & swimming daily. I will miss sleeping on the veranda, star gazing and listening to the constant sound of the lulling ocean waves. Seriously, would YOU want to come home either?!

cheers friends...be back soon.

'the coolest you'll look pooping your pants'

Seriously?

This is pretty much redonkulous to the max.

But gosh, that boy is Ah-DORABLE.

soul blooms

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy,

They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom - Proust

My transition into motherhood has been mind blowing difficult. In this time I have been loved, encouraged, uplifted, prayed for, hugged and blessed by my husband, family and friends. I have the best friends that, honestly, should be included in the family category.

There were moments these past few months that I thought I would die. The overwhelming feeling of despair and the exhaustion of crying.

And then one day, things got a little better. I cried less.

Then the next day, it got a little easier than the day before. That day I didn't cry at all.

Today, I'm not drowning anymore. I swam the English Channel of emotion, and I made it to the other side alive. I still remember the struggle and the pain, but I've conquered.

I'm a better person today than I was February 9th, and I owe that to my family.

They are the charming gardeners who made my soul bloom in my darkest hour.

You know who you are. Thank you.

year two!

two crazy kids fell in love.

the bees and birds buzzed.

they had a baby.

they became a family.

all in two short years.

to be continued...

Brink Family Farm Update

So far: Tomatoes, Waxy Hungarian peppers, Basil & Yellow Squash are a success!

Bell Peppers: The verdict is still out...

Mint: death by weed whacker. [Thanks neighbor!]

Cucumbers? also dead.

My tomato plants are all about 5-6 feet tall! I can't believe it. I had to tie them up to a post because they were bending over and nearly breaking. Hooray!

mom fail #2

I grew up watching MacGyver.

I'd like to thank him for helping me this morning.

I may, or may not, have locked myself out of the house today.

The baby may, or may not have been sleeping inside.

Let's go with 'may'.

I had the monitor with me as I 'unlocked' the door on my way over to my neighbors to feed their cats. Little did I know, I actually locked the door, not 'un'. So much difference that little 'un' word makes.

When I realized my mom fail #2, I tried not to panic. After all, it's only 95 degrees outside, none of my neighbors are answering and I'm wearing my freshly cleaned white linen pants.

Exhale. Call husband. No answer. 3rd neighbor attempt- he was home!

[enter MacGyver] Armed with a flathead, I set my sights on my storm windows. No luck. Contemplate breaking......Hubs might be less than impressed. Next idea. Side door!! I wiggled my screwdriver in and yet, fail again. My last option was the front door. Somehow, I did it. I wiggled the screwdriver between the jam and the lock and voila! I was in shock!

I channeled MacGyver and kicked that door's ass, and I didn't even dirty my white linen pants.

Thank you Mac, for showing me how to make a bomb from a toothpick and a gum wrapper. You're still a hero in my 8 year old eyes.

we've been busy.

lots of rolling.

lots of drooling.

teething.

better naps.

sleeping through the night.

a few stuffy noses.

some coughing.

lots of smiling.

trying to sit up.

lots of spit up.

lots of mirror time.

We've been so busy lately. With the funeral, two trips to Maine in a week, friends, bbq's, throwing a baby shower, cat sitting, parties, pool days, & taking care of a sick baby while being sick myself, we have been BUSY. When I get busy, the first thing that goes to the crapper is my blog, and then the laundry. We've been wearing dirty clothes. When my husband told me that he was out of underwear, I almost suggested turning them inside out. I didn't. With much effort, the laundry is all done.

Just in time to pack....for VACATION!

In less than two weeks I am flying to LA for my best friend's wedding. I am so excited to share in her and Joe's 30's themed vintage wedding. Chris will be coming to the wedding as well and from there, we are flying to HAWAII! My parents have a condo on Molokai for a month and we will be joining them for a week! I can't wait.

Baby's first trip to the beach will be Hawaii?? Spoiled! [never mind the fact that my first trip as a baby was to South Africa at 6 months.]

Salty air...white sand...crystal water...

I'm coming to you, pasty skin an' all!

cute attack

Little Rue & Little Thomas,

You have only know each other for 12 weeks, and you are already best friends, fighting bad guys and saving the world.

Rock on shark buddies.

xo

Mom FAIL

Baby rolled off the couch.

We both cried. A lot.

2 years of love

Two years ago in a park not far from my house, a little girl and a little boy stood beneath a billowing canopy surrounded by 27 of the best family and friends, and said 'I do'. Best two words I ever said.

And here we are two short but seemingly long years later, we are parents. It's been a wild ride, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Life is delicious with you, Mr. Brink. Happy Anniversary.

xo.

Read my post on our wedding!

Watch our beautiful wedding video!

Read my first year anniversary post on our trip to Washington D.C!

The Beautiful Letdown

This weekend was a bittersweet emotional roller coaster, and not what we were expecting. It started off wonderful, had a heartbreaking middle, and had a beautiful ending. Chris, Rue & I flew to Maine to see his family. Parents, a sister & husband, grandparents, aunts & uncles, & cousins. But mostly, his Grandmother Loraine. A month ago, she was diagnosed with Liver and Pancreatic Cancer and we knew this would be the last time we'd see her. It would also be the first time she [as well as most of the family] would meet our son. We were so excited. Sunday was supposed to be our big family get together in the backyard bbq-ing and playing badminton. But instead, our family gathered together in a hospital emergency room. Chris's grandmother had a heart attack.

She had not been feeling well in the morning, so she was going to stay home. When we heard this, we planned to go down to her house and see her. A little while later she felt better and was getting ready to come up to the party. She had showered and fixed her hair and sat down on the couch with her husband, Grandpa Frank. She took 4 deep breaths and then collapsed. Frank called 911 and the emergency crew did CPR and worked on her for 20 mins, but she was gone. Everyone rushed down to the house when we got word of what had happened. Amazingly on the way to the hospital they resuscitated her and found a pulse. But since she had been without oxygen for so long, she had slipped into a deep coma. So the whole family gathered around in her hospital room, praying, singing, talking to her, holding her hand and saying our goodbyes. Chris and I were gutted that the whole reason we came up was to see her [alive], and we never got to. She didn't get to meet our boy.

She held on through the night and passed peacefully yesterday morning. We are still in shock, but while we are mourning, we are also rejoicing that she was spared the pain of chemo & the pain of two types of cancer. Her prognosis was to live only a few short months to a year and we know that it would've been a very painful end. Thank God she didn't suffer long. Such was a beautiful woman who loved the Lord very much and we know she is in Heaven.

The weekend had major highs & lows. Saturday we flew and Rue did great on his first plane ride. He was happy to see his grandparents [Chris's parents] and they were beside themselves to see him. We had a delicious lobster and steak dinner with my in-laws and sister and brother in-law. Sunday was the exhausting day in the emergency room. Monday she passed and we cried and breathed a sigh of relief, and then we flew back to PA. [the funeral is not till Friday] On the way home our friends invited us to a bbq pool party. While we were not in the mood to party, we knew that being around our friends would be the best medicine for our souls. I'm so glad we went. We swam, scurried 15 adults and 8 kids inside the house and watched the sudden thunderstorm cause a massive mud slide on the side of the house, ate homemade strawberry ice cream, drank coffee, held babies, listened to said 8 kids run around screaming like crazies banging on the piano. It was a scene from a movie...like the most beautiful insane scene where you think, wow, I wish I lived in a community like that. It was lovely.

On the way home, we went to the highest point in the city and watched the lightning and thunderstorm roll away. The air was warm and thick. It smelled like fresh rain and clovers. We walked through the park with our sleeping baby in tow, and talked about the legacy that was Loraine Jones, our beloved Grandmother.

It was truly, bittersweet.

pool days have arrived

I love summer *so* much.

Pool days. friends. picnics. bbqs. did someone say mojito??

Rue had his first taste of a kiddie pool yesterday, and today we're going back for more. Vitamin D here we come! What's your favorite thing about summer?

15 weeks

My little Ruester is cooing and talking to himself like crazy, he's fascinated with blankets and loves to put everything in his mouth. But the big milestone this week: Rolling! My babe rolled from his back to his stomach! He's been nearing a complete roll for a few weeks but his shoulder kept tripping him up. Finally, he conquered. I'm such proud mama bear.

I don't have video of the first roll to show you, because well, it was such a surprise! But I promise I'll snag a video soon....

I love watching him grow up!

xx, Y

Have kid, will travel

Ruehl's first road trip [sans Dad] was last week. We drove 4.5 hours to Ohio.

Pre-formula, a road trip would've been a NIGHTMARE. As my friend Lydia said 'that sounds like a REALLY bad idea Yana.' I agreed.

Post-formula, it was fantastic. He slept great in the car seat and loved being passed around from friend to friend. That made me a happy mama. So much so, that I didn't even mind the 3 projectile events that happened on our short 3 days away from home.

We fed him a bottle in the car. He was happy as a little clam. When we got to the hotel, my mom checked in and I was holding Rue in the lobby. Suddenly, I hear him burp the loudest burp ever, followed by his entire meal projectile spewing onto me and the lobby floor, followed by another burp. It was e.p.i.c. -Exorcist style. His little scared face with wet eyes said it all, poor kid. It was so embarrassing that I just laughed. My mom and I got into the elevator and almost peed on ourselves from laughter. Projectile #1.

Later that night his nose was stuffed up, so I used the saline spray to unclog him. I sprayed, he did a little freak out dance, cry and then......like a volcano erupting his nose cleared out all over me. Projectile #2.

The final 'event' was a dirty diaper morning blowout, that had squished out of the diaper and around his legs, filling his sleeper. And, of course, like good stories go, when I popped the buttons open the poop FLEW at me, with impressive force. It stuck to my arm, my shirt and leg, also landing on the floor and bed. Projectile #3.

[welcome to motherhood]

This weekend we are flying to Maine to visit the Grandparents. Hopefully, Rue's first flight is a success and if there is anymore 'projectile' involved that Chris can be lucky enough to get in on the action.

What's your funniest projectile story??

'the light at the end of the tunnel is brought to you by Nutramigen'

Day 4 of Nutramigen, a lactose free formula.

HE IS ALREADY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BABY.

Yesterday he took three [count em, THREEEE] naps, one of which was 3 hours long, and the rest of the day he was HAPPY. As in, didn't cry all day. Which was, the FIRST day of his life that he didn't cry. I am still in shock and awe.

The formula is expensive, but to see his happy little face all day long, it's so worth the money.

Poor Kid, he had so much tummy/gut pain that he would just cry cry cry after he ate. So to get him to calm down, I would feed him again. Which would make everything worse. I knew he wasn't colicky, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Thank God for Pediatricians who know their stuff.

[I am bumming about not being able to breastfeed him anymore. Last Friday when it was feeding time, I habitually sat down on my 'spot' on the couch and started to unhook my bra, when I realized....'I'm not breast feeding him anymore' it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went and fixed him a bottle, cradled him in my arms, began to feed him, and cried. Tears of joy, and sadness. Joy that he is not hurting anymore. Joy that I got to nourish him with my breasts and build up his immune system. I wish I had savored up every drop our last feeding. But I keep telling myself that my arms and kisses, love and words will nourish him.]

I'm sure there will still be rocky days ahead, but I'm saying hooray, hooray for the light at the end of this dark three month long tunnel.

all my love, Y

I'm a perfectionist, and a wimp

It's true, I am a perfectionist. Not in the 'my house has to be spotless' way, but rather the 'expecting my self to be a perfect, crunchy, green, baby wearing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, never a depressed thought perfect mom to the perfect baby who never cries & sleeps all the time. That's what I expected, it's not what I got. The last 3 months have been a nightmare.

I'm sure I sound extreme, but I feel I extreme. My little boy isn't a text book baby.

He has cried for 3 months. He has horrible gas that keeps him from sleeping and wakes him up when he does sleep. Nap time is a fight. He will take 1 out of 4 naps a day. Nights are just starting to get better. Breastfeeding started off great and somewhere along the line he wasn't gaining weight. I saw a lactation consultant for a month and we are back on track, but we have a lot of weight to gain before he's up to where he should be. The pediatrician suspects that his stomach can't handle the lactose and he's in pain. I have cut out dairy, but he's still unhappy. We might need to try a high-enzyme formula, which means I can't breastfeed for a while. I feel like I've failed.

That's where the wimp part comes in.

I've been too afraid to blog about this. About post-partum depression. About feelings of helplessness. Of frustration. Fear. Panic. Thoughts of 'what have I done to deserve this?' Feelings of anxiety. Despair. Failure. Expectation. I've been afraid of being judged by the mom's who have the perfect babies, and the perfect blogs to go with it. The mom's who's life looks like a fairy tale. I read their posts and cry, thinking...is their life really picture perfect like it seems? Or are they as unhappy as I am but aren't saying it?

So, I am finally saying it. This is really, really, stinkin hard. If you are one of those blessed mommies who's babies sleep well through the night, takes naps during the day, you have the time and energy to cloth diaper, you can paint your nails, eat square meals, have time to clean your house & cook dinner with out breaking a sweat, you. lucked. out. Don't take it for granted. There are other mommies out there who want to pull their hair out every day.

My life isn't perfect, and I don't want to post only the good stuff. I'm glad I finally grew a pair and shared this with you guys. This is a 'confessions of a new mom'.

12 weeks old

new milestones this week:

finding his feet.

sucking his thumb. [in a true comfort himself kind of way]

almost rolling onto his belly. Those shoulders keep trippin' him up!

[don't worry little buddy, you'll get it soon]

Another thing I'm proud of:

my kid is SUCH a poser.

le sigh. I heart him.

Brink Family Farm

I live for the weekends, and what a fabulous weekend it was!

: lots of QT with the husband in the backyard, weeding, tilling, and seeding our new grass.

a huge bbq with good, good friends.

slept in [till 8:30].

exchanged some green onions for our neighbor's delicious blackberry/lime cocktail. [we got the better end of the dealio]

but my favorite of all.....thanks to the baby napping for 2 hours...we planted our garden!!

I would've sprouted seeds if I didn't have a colicky 3 month old. So, off to Home Depot we went!

We returned armed with hopes of green thumbs and 6 varieties of tomatoes, 3 colors of bell peppers, cucumbers, yellow squash, waxy hungarian peppers, mint, cilantro and the love of my taste buds, basil.

Grow little plants growww! I vant to eet yoo.

allie from it's a wonderful life planted the 'Marr Family Farm' on Sunday too...but her pictures are much cuter than mine. ;)