Good Mommy/Confessions of a new mom

The moment I found out I was pregnant I thought 'wow. I hope that I will be a good mom to this little baby!' I had a pretty strong idea of what a 'good' mom meant, and I had no idea I would be setting myself up for failure. 'Good' mom equated to = 'perfect'.

I had this idea that a good mom was: Effortless. Organic. Chic. On top her game. Co-slept. Wore her baby all the time. Cloth diapered. Breastfed. Never depressed. Never lost her temper. Made fresh home made baby food all the time. Stylish. Always showered, clean and wore makeup.

I quickly [and by quickly, I mean quickly] realized I had failed. It's easy to fail when you have unrealistic Mt. Kilimanjaro-sized expectations for yourself.

Yet I still struggled with myself. "Am I still a good mom if I run out of grace and lose my temper? Am I a bad mom if I leave Rue to cry in his crib after my bag of tricks to entertain/feed/clothe/distract gets emptied? Am totally lame that he has most likely eaten a cup of dirt/leaves/grass while I wasn't looking? Do good mom's let their kids suck all the ink off the tags from toys made in China???

The answer that I have come to 8 months later ? OF COURSE I'M A GOOD MOM. I'm a great mom. Webster's definition of good is : of a favorable character or tendency. Virtuous. Right. Commendable. Adequate. Suitable.

Some days I: lose my temper, forget deodorant, don't start dinner until 8 pm, leave dirty clothes to roast and stew for a week, let Rue eat grass, cry when I'm exasperated and wish someone would hold me and rock me to sleep.... but, I'm a good mom because I love good. I love hard. I adore my son. I do the best that I can and that's enough. I don't strive for perfection anymore, just the best version of myself. And who knows maybe someday Rue will adore me and think that I'm perfect, just like they way I looked at my mom when I was little. I don't think he's going to care that about any of the petty things that I beat myself up with.

If you are reading this and you can relate in any way, take heart. Go easy on yourself. I have read so many blogs that impacted me and really changed my view point, and I hope that I have done that for someone else today. Learn from my mistakes! Know that you are a GREAT mom no matter what. And for heaven's sake, let's omit the term 'good' mom and adopt being 'great', shall we??

it's 7:51 am.

baby woke up at 5:30 [2 hours] earlier than usual.

then, he threw up an entire meal on me and my pretty wool anthropologie rug.

it's only 7:54 am, and I am working on coffee cup #2.

so instead on dwelling on how bad I smell and how $ it will be to clean my rug, I'm going to stare at the mega watt smile above and think happy thoughts.

good morning motherhood!

7 months old

sitting like a pro.

crawling like mad.

squealing with delight.

scaling the coffee table.

standing up in his crib.

getting his fair share in bumps and bruises.

fearless.

happy 7 months little dude!

seriously, I'm crawling

Look at the seriousness on his face!

Crawl Face from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

my house is a giant choking hazard

the coffee table has been cleared.

the rocks from the fake fireplace have been removed.

the pretty breakable things have been moved higher up...

...'cause this boy is cra-cra-crawling! The skooch-along army-crawl has been in the works for about 3 weeks, but yesterday he finally got the real crawl. The 'one uncertain arm followed by one uncertain knee, followed by a more certain arm'....and voila. I'm so proud.

And I'm also paranoid. Now that he can get places, I realize my house is one great big giant choking hazard. So the official baby-proofing began yesterday. Because, I am tryyying, but I don't know when kids begin to understand the word NO. Or NO-NO, as I say it. So I'd rather just move the chemicals and small inedible objects. We can learn the meaning of No-No later.

What he lacks in speed [at the moment] he makes up for in passion. He crawls with PURPOSE people. His determination makes me laugh. Goodbye knees of milky skin, hello rug burn red! Speaking of rug burn knees - his only pair of leg warmers were dirty, and I needed a quick fix. So I took some old socks and cut the toe parts off. I reincarnated my hole-in-the-toes Wonder Woman socks into crawlers for Rue. I'm so crafty & cheap it kills me.

He's also standing up in his crib, pulling himself up onto the coffee table and attempting to climb the couch. Like it's a rock climbing wall and he's been doing it for years. Is this normal at his tender age of 6 months 3 weeks??

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{and now onto some thoughts that have nothing to do with this post, but are gnawing away at my brain nonetheless}

I don't know how long it takes for one's hormones and feelings to go back to normal [whatever 'normal' is, or was] but I'm still not feeling 100% myself yet. Seems like mom's who had 'postpartum' or barely scraped by the first few months take longer to adjust emotionally. Baby boy is 7 months old next week, and I am shedding no tears. I love him more than anything, but wow....what a RIDE it's been. I am hoping my next child doesn't do me in the same way. [Wow, did I actually just say 'my next child' out loud?? I must be farther along in my recovery than I thought] haha. What are your thoughts moms? Am I normal in still feeling 'out of it'?

Looking to the future with hope in my heart,

Yana

Read Me Happy

I love to read.

Being a new mom, my favorite autobiographies, novels & non-fiction have been put back on the shelf for a hiatus and I've taken a nose dive into the world of children's books. But don't think for a second that I'm complaining. I love a good story and illustration. Maybe one day when I'm a grown up I will move past a pipe dream and seriously consider becoming an illustrator [...]

Here is a sampling of what Rue and I are currently reading.

Shine Moon Shine by David Conway. The graphics are done in beautiful pastels, and the story is simple & sweet. When the moon gets lonely up in space by himself, he lands on earth. One little boy makes it his mission to turn night into a happy place so the moon won't be lonely any longer.

The Pigeon Wants a Puppy, by Mo Willems.

An adorable series about a poignant pigeon who knows what he wants, that is, until he gets it.

ABC's, by Charley Harper. A fantastically illustrated alphabet book. [Charlie has another fantastic book Illustrated Life]

What's your [kids] favorite book?

Happy reading.

xo, Y

hold me closer Tony Danza [or was it tiny dancer?]

My kid. Doing his thing. Walkin' his beat. Shakin' his groove.

NEVER STOPS MOVING. EVER.

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Y

Rue 'flash dance' Brink from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

the first weeks

I planned to have this video done months ago, but 'life' got in the way.
Here it finally is, my first edited film! My baby was so little then, and now he is just about crawling! It's unbelievable. I should start working on a crawling video...it should be finished by the time he's walking. Haha.

Enjoy!

Baby Ruehl - the first weeks of life [on the outside] from Yana Banova-Brink on Vimeo.

sentimental gushy wooshy

I began drafting a post yesterday to commemorate Ruehl's '6th months on the outside' and as I looked at all the photos [of my very skinny baby who resembled Benjamin Button; such an old soul] and videos [wow, does my voice really sound like that?] ... can I just say, YA'LL, I got so freakin ooshy gooshy melty sad happy feelings going on.

In my mind, he was just born yesterday! [sort of] and now WHAM-O, he's half a year old.

6 months:

He is such a chilled kiddo.

He loves to sleep 11 hours a night, sans interruption.

He rolls all over the place.

He started eating brown rice cereal.

He can feed himself a bottle.

He is a HUGE flirt.

He cuddles.

He began 'rocking'...I think crawling is just around the corner.

He doesn't like to sit though...too much of a mover.

He's my little bebe webe.

I'll continue working on a photo/video blog...let me just get a Costco sized tissue box out and I'll finish it.

In honor of breastfeeding week, I'm going to cry some more

I thought I was over it*.

It*, being, the fact that we had to stop breastfeeding.

I should rephrase that- we didn't HAVE to but after three months of baby's non-stop crying and pain due to a sensitivity to lactose, we chose to stop. I could've waited it out another 3+ months till his stomach settled, but I was on the verge of a major breakdown.

So, with that said, we had to stop breastfeeding. Most of you who have stuck around HGBB know this fact already. And I thought, I was over it. A tearful phone call to a good friend yesterday morning proved otherwise. I am not over the disappointment, sadness and pain that I feel from not getting that experience with my baby. To give him the best nutrition possible. To bond.

I needed to be 'over it' because its just what I had to do. To accept it. To move on. To be a happy mommy for my baby. But, being that it's breastfeeding week and all, my Facebook and blog reading list is inundated with photos, blogs and news articles about how horrible formula is and how superior boob milk is, and it's honestly making me feel pretty crappy. I KNOW that formula isn't the best, but what else can I do at this point? I'm such a natural person, I totally anticipated bfeeding for over a year...and that is not possible anymore.

I expect mom's to be proud that they are breastfeeding, it just hurts that I can't. I wish I wasn't affected by opinions and other people, but I am. Especially when it comes to that little 17 lb bundle of joy that I call my son; whom I am happy to say is happier, lovelier and cuter than ever. So, formula may suck, but my kid is happy. All haters can just suck it; a bottle of formula that is. ;)

My Best Friend's Wedding

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend meets a guy named Joe.

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend falls head over heels in love with Joe.

it's a pretty big deal when Joe proposes to your best friend at the grand canyon with a *huge* rock.

it's a pretty big deal when your best friend gets married to the man of her dreams.

Kate [my best friend of 12 years] married Joe in a Los Angeles garden two weeks ago. I had the pleasure of standing by her side on that happy day. She was a gorgeous bride, a vision in champagne. The wedding had a vintage 20's theme, complete with parasols, flapper bridesmaid attire & the reception was at an Art Deco restaurant downtown. The food was the delicious, the band was in full swing [literally] and all 50 guest donned vintage attire.

It was a beautiful, elegant yet simple wedding.

Congratulations my sweet Kate. I mean...MRS. Petrick!

My little Ruester in his fancy H&M suit, 5 months!

xo, Y

Alooooha!

A happy hello from the land of the hula!

Chris, Baby, my Mom, Dad & I have been having a delicious, sea salty, sun-burnt heck of a good time here on the island of Molokai. We arrived Tuesday morning and have blissfully frolicked in the waves, snorkeled, sunbathed and grilled our hearts out. Tomorrow is my birthday [hooray!] and to celebrate we will be grilling fresh fish we bought off the back of a local's pickup truck & popping champagne for mimosas on the beach. Should be quite the 26th birthday!

As much as I have missed my bed, my blog, my friends...I really don't want to come home. I quite enjoy smelling like coconut suntan lotion, sans makeup, bikini's only & swimming daily. I will miss sleeping on the veranda, star gazing and listening to the constant sound of the lulling ocean waves. Seriously, would YOU want to come home either?!

cheers friends...be back soon.

'the coolest you'll look pooping your pants'

Seriously?

This is pretty much redonkulous to the max.

But gosh, that boy is Ah-DORABLE.

soul blooms

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy,

They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom - Proust

My transition into motherhood has been mind blowing difficult. In this time I have been loved, encouraged, uplifted, prayed for, hugged and blessed by my husband, family and friends. I have the best friends that, honestly, should be included in the family category.

There were moments these past few months that I thought I would die. The overwhelming feeling of despair and the exhaustion of crying.

And then one day, things got a little better. I cried less.

Then the next day, it got a little easier than the day before. That day I didn't cry at all.

Today, I'm not drowning anymore. I swam the English Channel of emotion, and I made it to the other side alive. I still remember the struggle and the pain, but I've conquered.

I'm a better person today than I was February 9th, and I owe that to my family.

They are the charming gardeners who made my soul bloom in my darkest hour.

You know who you are. Thank you.

year two!

two crazy kids fell in love.

the bees and birds buzzed.

they had a baby.

they became a family.

all in two short years.

to be continued...

Brink Family Farm Update

So far: Tomatoes, Waxy Hungarian peppers, Basil & Yellow Squash are a success!

Bell Peppers: The verdict is still out...

Mint: death by weed whacker. [Thanks neighbor!]

Cucumbers? also dead.

My tomato plants are all about 5-6 feet tall! I can't believe it. I had to tie them up to a post because they were bending over and nearly breaking. Hooray!

mom fail #2

I grew up watching MacGyver.

I'd like to thank him for helping me this morning.

I may, or may not, have locked myself out of the house today.

The baby may, or may not have been sleeping inside.

Let's go with 'may'.

I had the monitor with me as I 'unlocked' the door on my way over to my neighbors to feed their cats. Little did I know, I actually locked the door, not 'un'. So much difference that little 'un' word makes.

When I realized my mom fail #2, I tried not to panic. After all, it's only 95 degrees outside, none of my neighbors are answering and I'm wearing my freshly cleaned white linen pants.

Exhale. Call husband. No answer. 3rd neighbor attempt- he was home!

[enter MacGyver] Armed with a flathead, I set my sights on my storm windows. No luck. Contemplate breaking......Hubs might be less than impressed. Next idea. Side door!! I wiggled my screwdriver in and yet, fail again. My last option was the front door. Somehow, I did it. I wiggled the screwdriver between the jam and the lock and voila! I was in shock!

I channeled MacGyver and kicked that door's ass, and I didn't even dirty my white linen pants.

Thank you Mac, for showing me how to make a bomb from a toothpick and a gum wrapper. You're still a hero in my 8 year old eyes.

we've been busy.

lots of rolling.

lots of drooling.

teething.

better naps.

sleeping through the night.

a few stuffy noses.

some coughing.

lots of smiling.

trying to sit up.

lots of spit up.

lots of mirror time.

We've been so busy lately. With the funeral, two trips to Maine in a week, friends, bbq's, throwing a baby shower, cat sitting, parties, pool days, & taking care of a sick baby while being sick myself, we have been BUSY. When I get busy, the first thing that goes to the crapper is my blog, and then the laundry. We've been wearing dirty clothes. When my husband told me that he was out of underwear, I almost suggested turning them inside out. I didn't. With much effort, the laundry is all done.

Just in time to pack....for VACATION!

In less than two weeks I am flying to LA for my best friend's wedding. I am so excited to share in her and Joe's 30's themed vintage wedding. Chris will be coming to the wedding as well and from there, we are flying to HAWAII! My parents have a condo on Molokai for a month and we will be joining them for a week! I can't wait.

Baby's first trip to the beach will be Hawaii?? Spoiled! [never mind the fact that my first trip as a baby was to South Africa at 6 months.]

Salty air...white sand...crystal water...

I'm coming to you, pasty skin an' all!

cute attack

Little Rue & Little Thomas,

You have only know each other for 12 weeks, and you are already best friends, fighting bad guys and saving the world.

Rock on shark buddies.

xo

Mom FAIL

Baby rolled off the couch.

We both cried. A lot.